I had soooooo many banging blog posts in my head. I spent money on amazing new things to share with all of you. I even planned to ramp up my weekly post counts… but went into a state of creative paralysis because my depression got way out of hand.
The past 3 months of my life are a result of me not dealing with all I’ve been experiencing. I had a complete shut down. I couldn’t produce creatively, cried profusely, and had to self soothe myself back to a tolerable reality.
Like most people, I suffer from depression coupled with anxiety. In my early 20s, I came to terms that I am susceptible to the cyclical wave of darkness. I used to have severe panic attacks quite frequently. I recognized that I am really hard on myself and sometimes set unrealistic expectations. Up until now, I’ve been able to develop coping mechanisms to keep me sane and intentionally tap into my happy place.
This summer was exceptionally rough.
My job had a major layoff and my entire department was eliminated except my job position. I went into shock because in the blink of an eye, my workload increased and every opportunity I had been striving for for the past 3 years was gone–just like that.
Whenever major disruptions occur in my life, I think of it as a wake up call; what was subconsciously happening to me? By trying to answer that question, it spun into a bout of overthinking, major self-criticizing and despair.
On top of that, I’ve been trying relentlessly to get my digestive health corrected after recently being diagnosed with IBS (even though I’ve been suffering for years). The incessant worrying only made it worse. Not only was I mentally going through it, but my mental state began to wreak havoc on my body as well.
As much as I try and avoid the news, the political climate finds a way into my life–it’s pretty bleak out here for us millennials up to the ass in student loan debt.
So I slept more and more. Ate less and less. Every day felt more and more like torture. I knew I needed help but I can’t afford the therapy that I really need and I was too embarrassed to reach out to anyone else after my family shot me down.
One night, it all came to a head. I sat in my room with buckets of tears pouring down my face wondering, “What the hell am I still doing here?”
I called one of my best friends and the first thing that she asked me was if I was okay to which I replied, “No.” My self esteem and self worth were so low in that moment and she could tell. She talked me off that ledge.
She said to me, “Life just sucks sometimes and right now, there are a lot of things in your life that aren’t good… but nothing lasts forever.” That conversation reminded me that every day I have to try. I have to force myself out of bed. I have to push myself to do things that offset the bullshit that I can’t change right now.
One of my biggest heartaches was that I felt alone. My family didn’t understand what I was going through. They kept telling me I don’t have the right to feel overwhelmingly sad because I’m blessed with a roof over my head, food to eat, a job, etc. They failed to understand that the way they experience the world is quite differently than I do.
To those of you that suffer too, I feel your pain. You are not alone.
The biggest takeaway I learned from this is to be gentle with myself. I am only human. Some days are harder than others and it’s okay to stop and take a breath. It’s okay to deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. It’s okay to worry about only yourself sometimes. It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry but I can’t right now.”
I am so happy to be back in a better mental place and rejoin the community. I’ve missed you all so much!
To my blogger friends, I am sorry that I couldn’t support you over the past few months. I hope you all understand. ❤️
With All My Love,